i back here after years for some introspection, only to find myself utterly confused by the new xanga. oh well, i've managed to reach the blog entry-place (?) so i consider this a success.

i never knew what to expect when i first came to riverside. i remember being devastated that i couldn't be somewhere else--somewhere that i really wanted and thought i deserved to be. and now it's all over, and i take all these new experiences, people, and memories with me. it's funny how much i've changed in the last four years--i now tell myself that i'm never going to say 'never', because i don't know what the future holds. this has never rang more true until now. the school i hated so much is one that i've grown to become fond of. there are so many opportunities that i have attained and so many lessons i'm taking with me as i leave. sometimes, i think about how my life would've been different had i done things differently, and i can't picture it.

there's so much i've learned that i can't even start to formulate into words. but i'm starting to realize that sometimes, there's a reason why some things are said over and over. 'never say never' really makes no sense until you've shot yourself in the foot about 15 times, and you've proven yourself to be a grade-a hypocrite. there's also 'everything happens for a reason', which is another way of saying, 'well, you're stuck with it, so deal' when you've just been handed something you don't want in your life. without getting too philosophical or religious, i think there is something to be earned or learned in every experience. you might not come out of it as nicely as you might hope, but you've still learned something in the end.

it's been a long time coming, and there were a lot of mistakes and regrets along the way. but it's funny, now that it's all over, i'm more concerned with taking what i can get, and getting what i deserve. and i'm content. it just takes 4 years and a lot of looking back to realize. no, i dind't get the grades i wanted sometimes, but cum laude is still pretty good, and i'll take it.

anyway. i could go on and on. i don't know what i'm trying to get at. i'm just so grateful for all these things, and i can't believe four years ago, i thought my life was over. i'm excited for grad school, or whatever it is that i encounter next, and i hope i take these newfound revelations with me as i fly along to my next adventure.

while others are out on a friday night drinking away, or sleeping in to catch up on sleep, or anything else, i'm here at home, wishing i was someone else, and my life was someone else's.
everything's become too sad, too unfathomable, too difficult, too twisted, too unrealistic and all too real for me to handle.
it's so sad because i just want someone to care. to know that i'm not alone or that they will listen.
but it's impossible when i'm surrounded by so many people, and i can't hear or see anything besides my own despair (and also difficult if, in fact, people really don't care about me).
i don't understand why i go through these things.
and i don't understand why i'm always being tested.
i haven't felt this down since the tenth grade.
now all i wish is that my biggest worries were school, or boyfriend issues, because then they would be my own problems. at least i could control how much i study, or how to deal with my boyfriend.
but these problems are beyond me, and still affect me so much at the same time.
it's a cleaning-out system my life goes through every 4 to 5 years. just when everything seems to be going well enough, something decides that i need to lose everything.
and everything i knew and loved is shattering before my eyes once again.

i know this goes completely against my last post--everyone has hard issues that they're dealing with. but i can't help this feeling that mine is so much more difficult than anyone else's.

i wonder:
have you ever attempted suicide in your own dream, where all your troubles and emotions are so much like reality that you fool yourself into thinking the dream is real and that you're really dying?
only to be saved by someone at the very last minute?
or is this dream even valid as an interpretation of how i feel, or is it just a mix of random thoughts and images that were spontaneously created in my mind while i was asleep?

my life has been spinning out of control for the past 2 weeks.

i'm not happy anymore.

people always talk about the past as something that's gone and to be forgotten.
the events of our pasts become only skewed memories and recollections of what had been in an earlier time.
they also say that time heals all wounds, so in time, we are supposed to feel better about anything and everything that we've experienced.
you don't hear a lot about how sometimes, wounds don't heal.
sometimes, the pasts never go away.
the time and place may be different, but indeed, the events of what is now gone leave its remnants on the people it affected.
so much of what has happened in our lives dictates who we are, and who we will be.
no matter how distant the memory seems, it still comes back in due time.

where are the wise-old sayings about the vivid scars that still burn in the present?